What If He Does?
by zaibi12
Summary: SEASON 6 SPOILER! After that horrifying dinner scene, known better as the The Red Dinner. What happened in the hospital and Cora's thoughts at every step. I think this is going to be a one shot but I may update, although it all depends on your reviews ;) . Golly, what an episode!


_"If this is it. Just know I have loved you very, very much"_

It took all his energy to say this. He coughed out blood, his ulcer had burst, he was so scared, so in pain but she could see, his eyes searched for hers. She ran to him, her legs trembling, but she ran as fast as she could but she wanted to scream because it felt like everything was going in slow motion. She felt claustrophobic, there were too many people in the room. Too many people between her and Robert. She cursed the seating arrangement, she was too far, she wanted to reach him and soothe him and tell him that everything was going to be okay, but she was too far. She reached him and between all the shouting and panicking, someone handed her a napkin, maybe it was Cousin Isobel or Thomas, she didn't know. She sat down on her knees and took his face in her hands and held out a napkin which he immediately soiled with his thick, dark blood. The smell of blood made her sick but she didn't care, she took a breathe and told her that she won't cry, not in front of him, not when he was so scared, not when he needed her. His bloodshot eyes searched hers and she told him that she was here and he doesn't need to worry and then he said it, even with all the pain and terror and blood, she knew he cringed at the sight of it, but with all that, he said it. He told her he had loved her very, very much. Loved. He had loved her. He thought this was it. This was the end. Oh, God, he was so sure he would die but the last thing he wanted to say was that he loves her. She knew he did, of course she knew but he said it regardless. It was painful for him to speak, she knew, when his insides had burst and there was blood oozing out of his mouth more than his words but he said it because he wanted her to know, he wanted to tell her that she'll be okay, he wanted her to know that if he goes, she should know that he loves her. He had loved her. Very very much. She held back a sob and told him that this isn't it. It can't possibly be. This isn't just it. It can't be that simple, he doesn't deserve this neither did she. They were suppose to die together because the other would die more painfully, of a broken, shatteted heart but even if they did die on different days, they were suppose to die peacefully, in the arms of another, whispering comforting words not like this. No, this can't be it. So she told him that, she won't let this be it, but as much as she tried to stay calm, she failed. She stammered _"W-we won't let this be it"_ she was telling him that. Assuring him but perhaps, assuring herself too. This can't be it. She refused to believe it.

Everything else was a blur, she talked to someone, she knew. Mama and Edith? No, the minister. Yes, the minister but what about, she doesn't remember. She saw men taking him out on a stretcher, she was so scared, she was terrified, but she had to be the strong one, for Mama, for the girls and most importantly, for him. She called the girls but when he came out on that stretcher, covered in blood, she gasped and tried so hard to hold back a sob. "We must go" she said and she ran out the Great Hall so no one could see her tears.

Now she sat in the busy emergency area of the hospital, numerous people passed by her and it felt that she was hallucinating. She heard voices, no just one voice. His voice. His words.

 _Just know I have loved you very, very much._

It echoed in her head again and again. She tried to shake it out, but failed. It kept echoing. His voice full of fear and honesty. He was saying goodbye. He was so sure he'd die. Just the thought, flipped her stomach. He still may die, but what if he does? Oh, God, what if he does? What would she do then? Who would she be then? She was nothing without him. Nothing at all. He was all her heart and soul, she could never function without him. She has spent the last 30 years of her life with Robert, breathing Robert, dreaming Robert. He was in her veins, surely she'd die without him. Another wave of nausea came over her but she took two deep breaths to prevent it. She can't cry, she won't cry, not in front of the girls who were scared half to death, they loved their Papa very much. They all were so much like him. Mary had inherited his stubbornness, his very English nature, his 'playing by the rules' habit. Edith was soft like her but also very determined and slightly reserved like her Papa. She kept things to herself like Robert. And Sybil, oh darling Sybil. She was the best of both of them. What if they lose him? No, no she can't cry. There's nothing to cry about. This isn't it. He'll be okay. Of course he will be, she promised him that she would not let this be it. He will die decades from now, in her warm embrace, he would die peacefully and without any pain. Not like this. Never like this.

He'll be okay. He'll live

 _What if he doesn't?_

She wanted to shut her damn brain which did nothing to help her anxiety. She felt hot all of a sudden so she removed her gloves and her heart stopped for a second. Blood. Dark, red blood. His blood all over her hands, on her dress, on her face. She didn't bother wiping, she didn't have the time, she didn't even care then. If he dies, this was it. She'll be standing here with the last memory of his blood on her. All over her.

Oh, God! He might die. Her Robert might die. Her darling, darling Robert who just told her that he loves her but she didn't tell him that she loves him back. Why didn't she tell him?! She should've. Maybe it was the last, she should've told him. She cursed herself, that bloody, horrible moment might have been their last moment together, she should've kissed his head and held his hand but she ran to get her damn coat and gloves so that she could save him. What if, it was all for nothing, what if she wasted those last few seconds with him?! No, no he can't. He just can't die. He had to live, he needs to live because she needs to tell him that she loves him very very much. If this was it, she needed one last minute with him, one last I love you, one last touch of his hand, one last kiss. He had to live!

The door of the operation theatre opened with a thud which brought her back to reality. She tried to stand up but her legs were wobbly, Edith must have seen her almost tripping so she helped her. Doctor Clarkson came out, he removed his mask then his gloves and she wanted to scream at him because it felt like ages. She needed to know if he would live or not. Why is everything so damn slow?!

"How is he?", Mary spoke for her.

"He is out of surgery. We have stabilised him" , Doctor Clarkson said.

"Oh, thank God", Edith said and let out a long needed breath.

"Will he be okay?', Mary asked further.

"We were lucky that I was there and that the ambulance arrived just on time, if we had been a little more late, he might not have made it but, yes, for now he is fine, his chances are good"

Cora listened to their conversation silently but was frozen to her step. Doctor Clarkson had said his chances are good which means that he would live.

"So he'll live?", she finally asked in almost a whisper.

Everyone looked at her and Doctor Clarkson's expressions softened a bit at how worried she was.

"Yes, he'll live", he finally put her out of her misery.

Cora fianlly breathed. It felt like someone untangled the rope which was invisibly tied around her neck. Her lungs started working and her frozen blood started circulating again.

He'll be okay. He is okay. He will live. Her Robert is okay.

"Thank you, Doctor. Thank you so much "

He smiled at her when Edith spoke again, "Can we see him?"

"They're cleaning him up right now and then we'll shift him to a private room. It may take a while and he'll need some rest, it would be better if you see him tomorrow. Lady Grantham, all of you should go home and rest"

"No, I'll stay", Cora's voice still trembled. "Mary, Edith, you should go. Edith, call your Grandmother and let her know and Mary, call the house and let Carson know, I'll stay here"

Everyone stared at her for a moment, she looked exhausted and tired and dirty but she didn't care. She'll stay with him.

"Very well, Lady Grantham"

She nodded and went back to sit on the wooden chair she was sitting on. She'll wait for them to shift him and then she'll hold his hand and kiss it and touch his face and kiss his forehead and be with the man who owns her whole heart and soul.

With that, Mary and Edith departed and Cora waited to see him.

After twenty minutes, she was getting impatient. How long does it take to clean up a man but then she remembered the amount of blood and shut her eyes. Too much blood. He had lost too much blood. She sighed and rested her head against the cream coloured wall.

"Milady?", Baxter interrupted her thoughts.

Cora opened her eyes and sat straight. "Oh, Baxter, what are you doing here?"

Baxter gave her a warm smile and held out a bag for her. "I just brought some things for you that you may need overnight. told us you'll be staying with his lordship so I thought"

Cora smiled back at the considerate maid, "Thank you, Baxter. You may put it here, I'm just waiting for them to shift him so I can see him"

Baxter moved her eyes up and down her ladyships appearance. She looked so exhausted and she was still covered in his lordships blood and her hair was a mess which Baxter had beautiful done earlier and her dressed was wrinkled. What love does to a person, she thought. She knew very well, what it did, she had been in love once as well, but with a beast. That love ruined her. Honestly she had lost all hope for love and it's power to create magic but it had slowly altered her opinion when she started working for Lord and Lady Grantham, it warmed her heart at how beautiful they were together. She really liked her ladyship and she was so sad for her at the moment. She needed to freshen up. His lordship shouldn't see her like this. It would break his heart. Thomas had told her earlier what his lordship said to her ladyship when he fell down in her arms. She thought it was most wonderful and terribly heartbreaking.

"Milady? Perhaps, you should get cleaned up"

Cora brushed back few strands of hair from her face. "Oh, it's fine Baxter, they must have shifted him by now and I really want to sit with his lordship"

Baxter sighed slowly, "Milady, he wouldn't want to see you like this,it would upset him. Your face is covered in blood, just tidy up a bit if you don't want to change"

Cora knew she was right. So she nodded and went to the small bathroom of the hospital. She sighed looking at herself in the mirror. She really was looking a mess. She turned on the faucet and scrubbed her hands thoroughly then she splashed water on her face, which if she was honest, did her good. She felt alive. She called in Baxter to fix her hair just a bit, those few free curls swirling on her face were really annoying her. They came outside and she thanked Baxter and took the bag. She felt the chill of the cool air when Baxter opened the door to exit. Just as she went another door opened from the left. A small, kind looking nurse came out.

"Lady Grantham?"

"Yes?"

"You can see him now"


End file.
